Side B - Song 14


14) The Deal

& I don’t know shit about affairs, but a week & a half later, Kristi-eeny-‘kini & I are having one of our numerous great times. The stereo is blaring Los Van Van Cuban music. I’m naked on a footrest, cock straight up & she’s dancing her sleazy self slinky. Velvet, heart-shaped bottoms. & topless, ‘cuz she’s given up bras since those peep-show, Cozumel beach days. She’s swirling & twirling & swinging her stringy works up her seam, splitting two thick lips. Now, she’s above my groin, straddling the footrest, starts sliding her panty-pushy lips onto my hard-on. I begin easing slowly in, get about halfway. She’s trembling & I’m all dick veins. Then suddenly, she stops, gasping, staggered by something behind me.
It’s Gorilla B.
Hands on hips, he bellows, “There you are, Fuckah. I been looking for you. What the fuck is going on here?” Staring hard at his all-but-naked-little-sister, then at me, then at her.
She’s dressing as fast as she can.
I’m not, answer him back, “Kristi’s my girlfriend. Look at the ring.”
She nods her head over & over, trying to slip on a sunflower blouse.
& I don’t know shit about speechlessness, but Gorilla Burns does now. His mouth is hanging there, trying to do something other than just look ridiculously useless. Kristi-busted turns the stereo way down. At last he comes round.
“So why are May Lee & F.M. telling me that house I give you for your sound-work is where they live now & I am not allowed in it?”
“’Cuz May Lee & F.M. are also my girlfriends & even though I now live here with your sister, Kristi, that house is mine to use as I like & I don’t want you in it either, especially on Sunday, Monday & Tuesday nights.”
I don’t know shit about envy, but the envious tend to hunt those who succeed, so I tell him I’ll set it up so he gets some May-Lee-thong-romp, but no Debbie ‘cuz, “I still think May Lee is lying to me about little Debbie being old enough.”
Gorilla B. keeps looking at his sister until she blurts out, “He Mistah Fuckah, Gorry. Why you fuck with he? I love this boy. Kristi, you sister, love Mistah Fuckah.”
Gorilla turns red, turns around, stomps away, slams the door.
& I don’t know shit about unity but May-Lee-glad-to-have-Mistah-Fuckah-again-&-F.M.-&-a-free-house loves, “Sunday-Monday-Tuesday-fun-lifty-F.M.-shitty.” & Kristi loves these nights, too.
4 months of absolute Kristi-May-Lee-F.M.-sex-carnival & I call Mary-Beth-record-skip, say, “Honey, I’m coming home. The work’s all done. See you next Saturday.”
She’s glad & the kids are glad, too.
Then Kristi-sly & I go find Mr. Gorilla Burns, tell him I’ve got to go home to my family, but here’s the deal – I can put all this shit on digi & satellite & operate the whole thing from North Dakota. You can get rid of your soundmen ‘cuz no need for them. You can even tell me everything you want me to play & if anything goes wrong, you bring me right down to fix it & keep paying me same as you have been & that includes my May-Lee-F.M.-house.”
He can’t say, “No,” ‘cuz no one else in his life knows how to Johnny James, Sound Engineer, & no one else is the lover of his sister. & I don’t know shit about duality, but I promise to set it up this week before I leave. Now I can make anything at all go wrong with his sound system & I can do it from North Dakota.
It’s Kristi-genius’ scheme, & she suddenly pipes up, “Gorry...me & Mistah Fuckah...we engaged.”
Oooo...she wasn’t supposed to say that. Long, Gorilla-B.-dreadful-face silence. He has no idea how to reply.
& I don’t know shit about here I go again, but tell him, “Look, Gorry, or should I call you, Mistah-Gorilla-Mario-killah-Burns? Or maybe, Mistah-Sybil-adulteress-got-Burns-by-the-nuts? Or maybe, Mistah-balling-his-worst-enemy’s-daughter? Or whatever, G.B...just remember those photos, & let’s all be one, big, happy family, alright?”
Kristi Blackberry nods, hugs me, squeals cheerfully, “Yes-I!”


from DON'T KNOW SHIT - SIDE A&B, released April 10, 2013
patrick mckinnon
dana bailey



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