Side B - Song 11


11) Prison

I’m getting cocky, tell May-Lee-always-in-charge-of-the-sex-we’ve-having, “Mario & I aren’t doing any more Miss-chicky-babies with hairy snatches & that includes you, May-Lee-bush. We want pink filling ready to eat, makes more spitty. Otherwise I’m gonna find Kristi-smooth-fat-pussy-lips again & fill her perfect-fit ooie with my pickny.”
Mario can’t believe it, but May-Lee-buzz-buzz agrees, has me shave her that afternoon, tweets & giggles, hates the thought of losing me to, “Kristi, the bitch!” & she personally razors any of the unprepared. “Shushy!” she bawls, “Mistah Fuckah style.” Sue-Sue-blueberry-speckled-thong, “...no movie, eekie!” Lizzy-helpless-me-no-care-what-she-do, “...so kinky hair!” F.M.-please-May-Lee-leave-a-teeny-stripline gets this minor exception. May-Lee-slicky-happy shaves me, too. Chuckles, “Mario’s on his own.”
& I don’t know shit about controlling lust, but Mario & I are joyously thriving into two eager, sleekies. Mine, Lizzy-whipping-post, has strange scars that run all the way up her back, keeps wailing, “Shit...shit...ah...oh! You’re hurting me! Owie! Ouchie! Ow! Ow! Owie! Owie!” but shoves herself more intensely onto each bust.
Suddenly, Mario-pumping-Carmella-howler-on-the-other-side-of-the-table, thinking it best I know, confides, “Gorilla’s wife, Sybil, tell I Gorilla madly in love with Mary Beth.”
Unprotected, unsuspecting Mary Beth, & then Gorilla B.-Mary-Beth-nightmare arranges a bust. Mario is supposed to be released. I’ll die in jail. & Mary-Beth-helpless will be Gorilla B.’s, however he wickedly uses her.
& I don’t know shit about any of this plan ‘cuz Mario believes it’s more dangerous if he tells me very much. He doesn’t want me dead or Mary Beth raped, so that night he invites her to come dancing with us, but North-Dakota-mother-has-marvelous-kids-all-the-time-day-&-night-child-rearing-Mary-Beth never has gone out with us before. It takes Mario an hour to win, but he’s cute & she’s changing & he does.
Gorilla assumes she’s at the house with the kids, like always, but, no, we drop them with Sybil, at Gorilla’s house, ‘cuz Gorilla’s never there & Mary Beth is partying with Mario & I, nearly the first time since our party-free marriage. Hell, she’s a northern woman, no need to party once you’ve got the husband.
We run into May-Lee-bunny-girl, F.M.-roller-derby-high-heel-magazine-make-up-girl, Patricia-where’s-her-husband?-fat-belly-big-bum-girl, Sue-Sue-silent-rabbit-tooth-shy-tiny-thighs-micro-mini-skirt-snakeskin-thong-no-thong-have-to-squat-down-to-tell-girl, & Kristi-2”-eyelashes-girl. I swiftly wrap my arm around Mary-Beth-possible-divorcé-girl’s waist.
& I don’t know shit about female propriety but those baby-hunting nymphs just laugh & squeal & chitty-chat with Mary Beth.
May-Lee-sneaky says, “Ooo, Mary Beth, you need step out more. You need party with F.M. & I.”
& Mary-Beth-kinda-drunk, agrees, “Sure, that sounds fun. We ought to.”
Now I’m freaking out ‘cuz just recently, Mary Beth has started wearing make-up again & cute, slightly revealing clothes, has even taken that in-the-way-hair-out-of-my-face-child-rearing-ponytail out. Fuck! She’s starting to turn Belize. Holy miracle shit!
I’m now gunning my May-Lee-brat down, but she won’t look at me & Kristi-light-blue’s won’t look anywhere else. I think, “Good silence, Mario. Good silence, John.”
Peace is only given by those who keep it. I heartily pray that these hootchies will take off for somewhere else, which at long last, my averted-disasters do.
& I don’t know shit about being arrested, but this night, we are arrested, Mario, Mary Beth & I, in a totally phony bullshit drug set-up. None of us had any drugs on us at all, no matter...
The three of us go to jail &, against Gorilla Burns rules, Mario sticks with us, shuts every chanting convict down by telling them, “That girl – she mine! This boy – he mine! Mario-tommy-goff-killer bring him own shellfish! Fuck with that, you fuck with I!”
Mary-Beth-benumbed doesn’t know why he loves us so much, but I do.
Gorilla-B.-Mary-Beth-luster is forced to come & spring us from that prison, immediately. Pays our $30,000 bail. Loans us his lawyer. Signs over one of his farms as a surety ‘cuz he can’t lose Mary-Beth-potential to that beastly prison, even with fuckhead Mario there to guard her.
& I don’t know shit about a beast in love with my wife, but
eventually, he’ll brutally murder Mario, ‘cuz the pirate rancher makes the laws his pirate animals have to live by. & Mario fucked up his great Mary-Beth-twat-rape plan, cost him capturing my unsuspecting, “Lee-poky-poke.”
& I don’t know shit about killing a man, but this is pirate law & order & Mario has also been robbing Gorilla for years, a million dollars or more, as well as slyly fucking Gorilla’s collapsed-mondo-boobs-each-larger-than-Kristi’s-whole-ass-lonely-wife-Sybil for even longer, up at the Altun Ha farm, so Mary Beth is not Gorilla’s entire reason for this butchery, & the last thing Mario says before his heart attacks begin is, “Fuck you!”
He is raving at May-Lee-sister-sis for never letting him screw that, “F.M.-rubber-butt!” He is yelling viciously at May-Lee-holy-shit! when the words, “Fuck you!” come out, the poison kicks in & the heart attacks begin. Later, in the hospital, just before he dies, Mario raises his head.
& I don’t know shit about last wills, nor testaments, but Mario tries to say some different last words. I guess he isn’t satisfied with, “Fuck you!” Or maybe he likes, “Fuck you!” so much he wants to say it again. His mouth gets fish-feeding like he’s beginning a sound. His sister leaning toward him, desperate for these new last words which are bound to be better than the other ones. Mario’s face & throat strain to cause some sound but nothing comes out & he begins to sweat. The snake venom Gorilla-B.-deadly had wiped upon the steering wheel just before Mario got in is now causing its fourth & final heart attack. It crawls right down Mario’s throat, sucks out all his oxygen &, “Fuck you!” are the only final, loving words from Mario-bro that May-Lee-sis will ever receive.


from DON'T KNOW SHIT - SIDE A&B, released April 10, 2013
bill bailey
patrick mckinnon
melvin johnson



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