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Side B - Song 16

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16) 22 Years

& I don’t know shit about generations but Gorilla continues to purchase the newest, fanciest gear, then bring me down to get it all working. If it takes a week, I make it take a month. If it takes a month, I make it take three ‘cuz I need to spend as much time with Kristi-fragrance as possible.
We’re married in a Belize church, official enough for Belize, ‘cuz her entire family comes. Gorilla’s my best man & May Lee’s her maiden-of-honor & my Belize marriage certificate names me as, “Mistah Fuckah.”
& I don’t know shit about genealogy but this is my life for the last 22 years now, half the time in Pirate-ville, the other half in Calm-akota, the kids grown up into self-propelled adults, both wives, pleased with my wonderful behavior, both girlfriends, too. Mary Beth never wants to visit dangerous Belize & the Belize-ies don’t want to go to North Dakota. Who would?
A couple months in & I confess to May Lee/F.M.-lovelies why the three of us will never have children. May-Lee-puncher is drilling me, throws me out, won’t speak to me for a month.
Kristi-crowded, furious I’m not gone three days a week, cries out, “I cannot get a fucking thing done with you here all the time!”
Finally, F.M.-rubber-swimmy insists I return, ‘cuz F.M.-leverage can only, “Pee-pee so crazy with you & Mistah Fuckah, May Lee!”
& I don’t know shit about property, but a few years later, Kristi-I makes Gorilla B. give those girls the house for free, put it in both of their names. They fix it up all frilly inside.
While I’m gone, Kristi reads & dreams & sleeps alone. Spy, Gorilla B.’s new Snitch tells me so. Gorilla B. pays Spy to, “Watch she, watch out for she,” when I’m gone north, make sure my Blackberry wife doesn’t play around. I tell him, “Gorilla B., you should have Spy watching Sybil-blondie-so-single-now-that-Mario’s-gone instead,” ask Kristi-tighty if Spy bothers her.
She says, “No, I no care.”
& I don’t know shit about community-building, but of course, Kristi-gentle & I never have kids, nor even adopt any ‘cuz she says, “The spirit owns the body, Fuckah. Not the other way around. I never come for you babies. Me no want babies.”
“But you came with May Lee. You begged.”
“Just for get you, Mistah Fuckah. Just for get you. You no remember, I meet you with Gorry that first day you get off that plane. & so quick I fall in love with you. I don’t know why except you carry serious Belize-I style & now we are together &, ‘I love you,’ sounds so nice let’s never add the ‘d,’ never make it, ‘loved.’”
& she’s fine with Mary Beth & May Lee & F.M., knows I love them all & they love me & besides, Kristi enjoys the time alone, says she needs it & is happy things are as they are.
& I don’t know shit about writing stories ‘cuz I’m just Johnny James Brown in North Dakota & Mistah Fuckah in Belize. Either way, known for other things than words. So of course, the tale-teller here is not Johnny James Brown. It is, “Kristina Blackberry,” Kristi-I.
& she don’t know shit about saving the world, never thinks it’s necessary or possible, but this morning she gets a letter from Corrina-now-in-Texas, who’s learning English & working in a factory & wants Kristi-savior to thank that incredible Mistah-Fuckah-saint when she sees him again.
Oh, Kristi most certainly will. He’ll be back on Thursday & one fine, special thing about Dear-mister-two-lives is that his flights always tend to arrive exactly on time, & Johnny-James-Mistah-Fuckah’s fate, same as everybody’s fate, is not his choice, but Kristi is so proud of this man for responding Belize-I! style, rather than North Dakota, & will easily convince him that it’s high fucking time he sent a thousand bucks, “Today & often,” to former-slave-pirate-creator-Corrina, “Cuz you owe Corrina...big-time, boy. You owe that girl good. Yes-I!”

credits

from DON'T KNOW SHIT - SIDE A&B, released April 10, 2013
bill bailey
patrick mckinnon
dana bailey
melvin johnson

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